


The Comedy of Obscenities (or, how the nerd and critic learned iambic pentameter)

by watername



Category: That Guy with the Glasses/Channel Awesome
Genre: M/M, References to Shakespeare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 08:23:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1157328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watername/pseuds/watername
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Romeo and Juliet balcony scene, as played by the Angry Video Game Nerd and the Nostalgia Critic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Comedy of Obscenities (or, how the nerd and critic learned iambic pentameter)

CRITIC:  
O Nerd, you fucker! Wherefore art thou the Nerd?  
Deny thy NES and refuse thy name;  
Or, if you won't, be but sworn my love-cum-hate,  
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

NERD [Aside.]:  
Shall I hear this shit, or speak at this?

CRITIC:  
Yeah, it's but thy name that is my enemy.  
Well, more, thou art thyself, a piece of crap  
What's such feces? It is nor hand, nor foot,  
Nor arm, nor stupid face. O, be someone  
That could pass as a man.  
What's in a name? What we call a critic  
By any other word would smell as childish.  
So this Nerd would, were he not Nerd called,  
Retain that dear dysfunction which he owes  
Without that title. Hey, Nerd, fuck thy name;  
And for it, it's really no part of thee,  
Take all myself.

NERD:  
Shit, I'll take your word for it.  
Just don't say love, and I'll be new baptized;  
Henceforth I never will be the Nerd.

CRITIC:  
What, you're a man, that, thus bescreened in night,  
So fuck up on my counsel? 

NERD:  
By a name  
I know not how to tell thee who I am.  
My name, dear ass, is hateful to myself  
Because it's like a turdmine to thee.  
Had I it written, I would tear the word.

CRITIC:  
My ears have yet not fallen from the noise  
Of thy tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound.  
Art thou not a Nerd, and an angry one?

NERD:  
Neither, toad tit, if either thee dislike. 

CRITIC:  
How'd you get hither, tell me, and wherefore?  
The house's walls are high and hard to climb,  
And the place death, considering who thou art,  
Plus, my kinsman enjoys play with visitors.

NERD:  
With mighty love, or maybe loathing, that  
I o'ercame the wall, for stones cannot keep out,  
And what can't love do, that dares love attempt.  
And kinky kinsmen are no stop to me.

CRITIC:  
If he sees thee, he will murder thee, after...

NERD:  
Goddamnit, there's more peril in thine eye  
Than twenty of their guns! I have a gun,  
That, and you, keep me safe against his rage.

CRITIC:  
I would not for the world they saw thee here.  
NERD:  
I have Bic's pens to launch into his eyes;  
And but thou love me, let him find me here.  
I'll go out with a fuckload, with his hate.  
Better than death alone, lacking thy love.

CRITIC:  
You big pussy. How found'st thou out this place?

NERD:  
By Google Maps, that helped, and I just drove.   
He lent me four wheels, and I lent him gas.  
I'm no pilot; yet, if you were as far  
As that vast shore washed with the farthest sea,  
I should adventure for such merchandise.

CRITIC:  
Thou knowest the mask of night is on my face;  
Else would a tie-like blush bepaint my cheek  
For the girliness I've heard spoke tonight.  
Yeah, I would dwell on form -- fain, fain deny  
What I have spoke; but goodbye compliment!  
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "Ay;"  
Eventually. I'll take thy word. No swears.  
Thou mayst prove false. Just say it clearly, once,  
Lest they laugh at us. Man up already.  
If you love, make it quick, and audible.  
Or if you think I'm easy, just you wait,  
I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay,  
So you better woo, that's it, nothing sappy.  
In truth, you're alright, I don't hate you much,  
And you can mock me all you want, go 'head;  
But trust me, gentleman, I'll prove more true  
Than those that have more cunning to be strange.   
I should have been more strange, I can admit,  
But you're a stalker, ere I was ware   
And could call the cops. Therefore pardon me,  
And don't think I'm the girl here, it's your fault,  
That this dark night has discovered us.

NERD:  
Look, by that huge-ass moon I vow,  
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops--

CRITIC:  
Don't swear by that, it's inconstant as shit,  
That monthly changes in her circle orb,  
Unless thy love prove likewise variable.

NERD:  
What shall I swear by?

CRITIC:  
Do not swear at all;  
Wait, that's impossible - swear by yourself,  
Which is the best you can do, let's face it,  
And I'll believe thee.

NERD:  
By the fucking stars--

CRITIC:  
What did I just say? 'though I joy in thee,  
I have no joy of this fuckfest tonight.  
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;  
Too like the 3DO, which doth cease to be  
Ere one can say it boots up. Hell, good night!  
This may be love, but by some heavy drink,  
May prove more than one night when next we meet.  
Good night, get out! I need to get the sleep  
That you had denied me. Get your own bed.

NERD:  
What, you're going to leave me so cockblocked?

CRITIC:  
Yeah, what else were you ever going to get?

NERD:  
Dear fuckface - the exchange of our love's vows.

CRITIC:  
I gave you mine before you even asked, give yours!  
Maybe then I'll give it out again, with luck.

NERD:  
Would'st thou withdraw it? What's that any good for?

CRITIC:  
But to fuck with you, and give it again.  
And yet I wish but for the thing I have.  
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,  
My love as deep; the more I hand over,  
The more I have, for both are infinite.  
Did you hear something? Christ, get out!

[ASK THAT GUY calls within.]

I'm coming! you, you angry Nerd, be true.  
Wait just a little, I will come again. [Exit.]

NERD:  
Ah, shit, what am I doing? I'm afraid,  
That this night, all this is but a dream,  
Too fucking weird, but good, to be at all true.

[Enter CRITIC again.]

CRITIC:  
Just three words, Nerd, and good night indeed.  
If this is no joke - chances are it is -  
Put a ring on it, send word tomorrow,  
By one that I'll persuade to come to thee,  
Where and what time we'll do this thing, this rite;  
And I might as well try with you, no worse,  
Than the madhouse that lies in wait behind.

[ASK THAT GUY within.]

Shit!

CRITIC:  
Wait wait wait.--But if you're fucking around,  
I'll shoot your balls--

[ASK THAT GUY within.]

Alright!

CRITIC:  
By and by I come.--  
To cease your strife and leave me to my grief  
Tomorrow he'll go to you.

NERD:  
So thrive my games--

CRITIC:  
A thousand times good night!

NERD:  
A thousand times the worse, to want thy light!  
Love goes toward love as gamers to gamebooks  
But love from love, toward work with heavy looks

[Enter CRITIC again]

CRITIC:  
Hist! Nerd, get out! O for a falc'ner's voice  
To lure this tassel gentle back again!  
Bondage is hoarse and, this is not the time,  
Maybe in the future, we'll get to that,  
And then the echoes will be made more hoarse  
With repetition of "Fucking Nerd!"

NERD:  
How romantic, the sound of lovers' tongues,  
Like a chainsaw whine to attending ears!

CRITIC:  
Nerd!

NERD:  
Now what?

CRITIC:  
What o'clock tomorrow  
Shall I send to thee?

NERD:  
By the hour of nine.

CRITIC:  
Too early by far, but I will not fail.   
I, uh, forgot why I did call thee back.

NERD:  
I'll just stand here till thou remember it.

CRITIC:  
I shall forget, to have thee still stand there,  
Transfix'd by looking at your ugly face

NERD:  
And I'll still stay, to have thee still forget,  
Forget sleep, I'll win this final battle.

CRITIC:  
'Tis almost morning. I would have thee gone--  
(Like I said twice), but no farther than a bird,  
That hops from its handlers' palm a little,  
Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves,  
And with a silken thread plucks it back again  
So loving-jealous of his liberty.

NERD:  
Sounds fucking awful.

CRITIC:  
Yeah, it would be.  
I should kill thee with much cherishing, now  
Get the fuck out! Parting is such sweet sorrow  
That I shall say good night till it be morrow. [Exit.]

NERD:  
Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast!  
Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!


End file.
